‘My mother said it was simple to keep a man; you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.’ –Jerry Hall (former wife of Mick Jagger, and then, Ruppert Murdock)
Now that I have your attention ….so, this is a disturbing quote from a blonde bombshell, formerly-famous-international model. It is shocking because of the explicit language – but it gets a laugh because it feels some part true, some part tragic, and, of course, shameful for a woman to say such a thing. We’ve forgotten how to blush as a society, and this quote is one of a million bits of unnecessary proof.
But it is also worth noting that the quote seems to be addressing a question that very few women seem to be asking these days: how do I keep a man? That feels like the concern of a bygone era. That is an antique concern.
No. I don’t think that is a weighing question on most women’s minds these days. Women have nearly matched men in earning power (in some coastal US cities, they earn more), they would receive half in a divorce settlement, and in most cases, and they would get the children (and financial support) in the summary judgment of most divorce courts.
The quote also harkens back to a previous age, which assumed wives took care of their homes and made dishes for the table. I’m not sure this is a baseline understanding any longer. It is a baseline for some, but not for others. The whore in the bedroom bit – well, let’s leave that alone for now. It will come back around.
Regarding the first two out of three of these attributes: house management and food prep. These elements remind a man that he is looking, ultimately, for a woman who runs her household well. Proverbs 31 is the manifesto of the ages for this kind of enterprising woman. Worth a mint – if you can find a woman of such quality. Fine. Fine. We agree about that. She is a great ‘helpmate’ and ‘joins him on mission’ as he subdues the earth. All good. But here is what I keep bumping up against when I talk to men: most men (let’s say 85% – safe estimate) are scared of MOMMA.
HAVE YOU MET MOMMA?
MOMMA is not the girl they married. She might look like his bride and go by her girlhood name or ‘sweetie’ or ‘honey’ or ‘babe’ – but the truth is that she roughly occupies the same mental space as his own mother on her worst/most combative, volatile day. MOMMA is raw, sinful, matriarchal power. She shows up in phrases like these:
‘If MOMMA ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.’
‘If it turns MOMMA on, I’ll say it twice.’
‘Whatever you do, do not upset your MOMMA.’
‘Happy wife- happy life.’
‘Stay out of her kitchen.’
I’ve heard several of these statements this week – just off-handed remarks that men tend to make. Men will give a knowing glance to a son or daughter with raised eyebrows – signaling, ‘you done goofed, boy!’ because he said or did something that activated MOMMA. Surely you’ve seen examples of this?
You probably have bumped into MOMMA in your own house – it’s why you keep walking on eggshells and do/don’t do any number of things. It’s why you keep your mouth shut on certain topics, why you don’t question this thing or that in the budget, and why you don’t hang out with Will at the bar very often. It’s why you don’t feel the freedom to discipline kid #2 the way you think he should be disciplined. It’s why you can’t take a hard stand on Issue #41 – it would cause a problem. MOMMA doesn’t care for it and you risk an explosion every time you brush past that pressure plate on top of the landmine.
Truth is – MOMMA is why you can’t lead.
You love your wife, of course, but MOMMA is a ballbuster. AND – she can turn off the love supply in that bedroom of yours anytime she feels like it. You will pay. You will have to deal with emotions, with rage, with accusation, with old wounds, old mistakes, pouting, and the cold shoulder. Is anything worth that kind of fight? You probably calculate that in your head so often and so quickly that it is barely noticeable – it’s second nature by now, assuming you’ve been married a little while. You now know how to maintain a ‘negotiated peace’ and you know how to stay in your lane.
IF none of this pertains to you – then hot dang, you’re good to go – go check out ‘bloatmaxing’ as a topic on YouTube. You’re welcome and sorry to have wasted your time.
IF some of this describes your situation – if you live with MOMMA, if you’re scared of MOMMA – boy, do I have good news for you! You don’t have to live with MOMMA. You walked away from your mother’s house a long time ago and this is now YOUR house – God set it up so that you leave your mother and father and cleave unto your wife. Wife ain’t MOMMA. And – all the lanes are your lanes.
Oh, sure, fine – you say. Just snap fingers and MOMMA disappears and transforms back into the wonderful lady I married? That’s the formula for success? Please!
No. I’m not saying that. I am telling you that recognizing that MOMMA rules your house is a very important step – because secretly, your wife is miserable. She doesn’t know it. She (rarely) will voluntarily resign her role as MOMMA – but deep down, she hates it. It doesn’t release her into more freedom, more peace and joy, or more trust. She is trapped in that persona – in MOMMA and she would love to be emancipated from that tyrannical role she feels compelled to play.
HOW IT HAPPENS
It happens rather quickly in a marriage. The lead-up to the wedding is fine. The first few months as husband and wife are awkward as everyone finds their bearing, functions in roles and tasks, and establishes routines. But within that first year or two (and especially when the first child enters the picture), a guy will get his toes blown off. He will hit a landmine and his eyes will get very wide and he will gulp and he will see a side of his wife that he hasn’t seen before.
In that moment he will do just about whatever it takes to make the problem stop. He wants that volume turned down, the tears to stop, and the hurtful words to evaporate. She might cut him deep. She will have discovered the gaps in his armor and her words will find their target. She might repent of all this in time. She might cuddle up and make it all better, but it’s too late. The young husband now knows – I am not in operational control of some territory in this household. I must be vigilant to never let that happen again.
And so – this negotiated peace might hold for years and it might remain static – like the 38th Parallel in Korea. But the contested territory might also grow. You might realize one day that the entire household is now occupied and you feel like a guest who must remain polite as you drink your Long Island iced-tea on the sofa. You might wake up and find that you have very little say in your children’s discipline, extracurricular activities, university decisions, your finances, or where your family wants to go to church. You accidentally conceded ground because you neglected to walk your property lines or fire a shotgun round in the air to make sure squatters scampered out through the barbed wire fence.
MOMMA happens because you married a bright, capable, motivated, and enterprising woman. Of course, you did, and she is beautiful. That is an intimidating combination of factors for any man to contend with – add two additional elements: we often saw our fathers tiptoeing around MOMMA, and we live in a culture that tells fathers/husbands to sit down and be quiet. You go work over there and hang out in your man cave or a deer stand, but MOMMA has the domestic territory locked down.
SO – WHAT’S A GUY TO DO?
You might be thinking – if I stand up and clear my throat to release a roar, if my hand slams on the table, and if I start laying out how things are going to go – my wife would consider leaving me.
You might also be thinking – oh, you don’t know my MOMMA. You have no idea how cold it can get in this house!
Or perhaps – I’m fine with the negotiated peace deal we worked out in 2017. It seems to hold and I can live with the terms.
But then again, it might be dawning on you – it’s high time that I wipe the corner of my mouth, clear my throat, and lay out what is about to happen next. It’s time that I lead this family. It’s time that I free my wife from a role she is miserable playing. My sons and daughters will have a better testimony because I – maybe for the first time – I put my hand on the controls and steered us out of this choppy sea.
If you are waking up to this reality for the first time, then you need to know your first step is a simple one – you’re going to have to repent to open up the difficult conversation with your wife and it might upset MOMMA.
[PRO-TIP: You might want to fast and pray before this big convo – to make sure you are entering the convo with the right heart. You’ll want to pick a moment removed from a recent skirmish – after dinner, after the kids are asleep. Open a bottle of wine. She’ll think you’re trying to get frisky – but stay focused, brother, this isn’t the time for that.]A convo might go something like this:
‘ I need to talk to you about something that God has been waking up inside me. It was slow at first, but it has become louder and weightier than ever before. I am realizing that I have failed you and our family in some significant categories – and it’s been that way for a long time. I have shirked some responsibilities. One of them is that I have not stepped into the God-mandated role of leader in this house. Truthfully, you’re so fantastic at so many things in this realm. I’m so busy with the company and I’m mostly tired – but that is no excuse for abandoning my assignment. My neglect has made space for you to take on things you should never have had to take on. I am sorry. There are even things that you WANT to be in charge of or steer in certain ways – that aren’t your responsibility. I let you design and order things that I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for that, too. I have been repenting to God for it, but I am now repenting to you for it. Will you forgive me?
It turns out that I was just focused on making you happy when I had a responsibility to establish order that would help you feel at peace and full of real joy. I’d rather risk your unhappiness for a season than see you short-changed of real peace and joy. I love you too much to see you short-changed.
So – things are way out of order in our world – and just like in the garden in Genesis – I am prepared to answer to God for it and to labor to set things right. I’m not sugarcoating this – I think it might upset you in some ways. When the topics of A, B, and C come up – I know all kinds of sirens and flashing lights go off in your head and it surfaces old pain and fears. I know that. I have had to repent for being too afraid and too risk-averse to step into hard conversations with you. But not tonight – I am summoning all the courage I’ve got and have been asking God to give me new grace to risk some vulnerability with you. We have to talk about A, B, and C. I believe I have some new directions on this and I would like to lay out for you how we are to move forward on this.
On A – we need to move in this direction and eliminate this thing.
On B – we can’t continue to do this move. Instead, we are going to stop and put it on ice until I do some more research and we have a new planning day.
On C – that issue with Johnny, I know you hate this, but we are yanking him from X and he will now do Y. I’ve worked out the budget.
These are the hardest bits of acreage to discuss with you, but I am clear-minded on this and I am prepared to answer for the family before God for these moves. If it goes bust or I make a blunder – I can be okay with that. I know that if we move this way together, God will honor our submission to his order.
Now. On the one hand, her response is immaterial. You submitted your will to God’s order and direction and He will notice; He looks to support obedient men. II Chronicles 16:9 For the eyes of the LORD roam to and fro over all the earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose hearts are fully devoted to Him.
When you humble yourself and act in obedience, it opens up a pathway for blessing that you probably couldn’t have even guessed at. She might break and repent to you for some things. She might tear up and say she is relieved and thankful to be unburdened. BUT – she might also throw that glass of wine against a wall and sound like a drunken sailor. Being confronted with real authority might cook all her wiring. She may leave the house. She might threaten all sorts of things. You must remain calm and let God work out things in her heart. Be prepared – it might take a while.
IF she is dead silent and won’t respond at all – you can tell her you are okay with the quiet and that you will give her some time to process the events of the evening. Give her some space and it might take a few days.
On the other hand – her response will also let you gauge how big a problem you really have. This isn’t the only or last conversation you’ll struggle through or the last time you’ll have to step through resistance and into leadership.MOMMA might rage – but MOMMA might also recognize that real authority has stepped into the room. She might notice there is an even bigger Authority backing you!
WEAPONIZED SEX
* A note about withholding sex as part of a strategy.
Weaponizing sex – treating it like a chess piece on the board – is a specific and powerful tactic that some immature women deploy. You made me angry – no sex for you! Why don’t you sit over there for a while and think about what you’ve done, Mr. You won’t like it very much, and then – maybe you’ll warm up to my way of thinking.
Of course, this is manipulation. But ….it really works!
I can only suggest this -your wife is not your Comforter. You have the Holy Spirit for that role. When a marriage is tuned up right, a wife’s warm body and gentle words are a great solace to a husband and they help soften the harsh realities of life. But – if you need to go without for a while as God recalibrates your marriage, He will give grace for it as you request it of Him. You can delay gratification for a while to allow an opportunity for a breakthrough. You’re man enough to weather that storm. Don’t cave – don’t cut a deal for a lesser breakthrough just because your sex drive is hitting 8000rpm. Hold.
Remember the opening quote about sex: many a man has been completely de-throned from his rightful place of governance because a woman charms with her beauty and moves him around a chessboard with her bedroom eyes. Don’t let that be your story.
Just like there is a terrible, oppressive, nasty version of Patriarchy that is concerned with others bowing down to exalt ‘the father’ – so too, MOMMA is a distortion of God’s good order. A humble, submitted wife who is well cared for will be happy to be done with her MOMMA stance, hand on hip with a snarling lip. Pray for and point her toward older women in the faith who can give wise counsel.
But above all, man –
If MOMMA keeps your balls in her purse, it’s time you make a move! You really do need your balls – for lots of things.